Well, so two days ago I woke up from a dream. It wasn't one of those heart-pounding dreams. But it certainly scared me. The dream in a nutshell - I was pregnant and had twin boys. Okay. Now to anyone that knows me, this dream is compacted with countless reasons why this should scare me. Two biggest reasons: Number one - I currently do not want a child and Number 2 - I currently don't want 1 child so the thought of having 2?! What?! And yeah sure, while those were thoughts that certainly ran through my head, those weren't my biggest fears. And that scared me.
The thing that scared me the most - I actually enjoyed the dream. Why?! (Side note: To all those that are excited about me "being with child" please don't freak out with excitement, because this isn't me proclaiming that David and I are going to start "trying".) For a long time I have even contemplated whether I should even be a mother at all, to the point where I was even starting to say that I never wanted kids and I was comfortable with that. I doubted (and still do doubt) my ability to be a good mother. To be a mom, better yet a mommy. How could I? I know all my downfalls and never would I want to place that burden on any child of mine. A child deserves the best mommy and I have been unsure that I can give that. The thought of ever hurting my child literally tears my heart in a billion pieces. It's a life for heaven's sake, and I don't want to screw it up!
But in that dream, it was surreal. I can by no means understand that instant love that mothers always talk about when they see their child for the first time; but in my dream, I somehow felt a tiny itty bitty glimpse of it. I was scared to death in my dream, but I wanted the best for them. I didn't want anyone to ever hurt them. They were mine. (well and David's of course lol, but this is mommy focused)
I have no idea why in the world I had this kind of reaction to this dream. But I just can't get it out of my head. I still have those same doubts about myself. But this dream gave me a little bit of encouragement. I also have David to thank for boosts of encouragement. He builds me up daily. And him giving me the chance to love him, even though I fail and mess up, shows me that I'm worthy enough to give love as well as receive his unconditional love. Even though I feel so undeserving. His love teaches me.
So no, I'm no longer saying that I absolutely do not want to have children. I am still scared as ever to someday call myself a mother. But even despite my fears, I long for that chance to be able to stare down into my child's eyes and give him/her my heart. And gosh, I hope and literally pray that I can do it. That I fill their life with joy, that they will know I love them no matter what, that they will know they are beautiful, that they will know I will protect them... Geez, all this is scary.
For now and a few more years to come, I'll just hold on to that dream. And little glimpses I get here and there of motherhood. All in hopes that it will continue to build me into the mommy that our future child deserves.
