Just How Many Tears Equal a River?

I have only a handful of people that I consider myself super close to. And I like that. I've never been one of those super social butterflies. I love social butterflies, but I've never been one myself. So to those that truly know me (lol those few of you out there), you know one thing about me and have probably seen me to do this multiple times over the course of our relationship -- I cry. And I cry a lot.

For some reason, I don't know if my hormones are changing or something, but I've been crying even more here lately. I started to think that maybe it could be annoying to others, that maybe it would seem "fake". I began questioning if I was just "too emotional". But I've been thinking about it a lot here lately. ha! I've probably even cried over it! And I've come to the conclusion that yes, I am an emotional person. I very emotional. My every move, thought, decision thrives on emotion. Which sometimes, of course, gets me in trouble because I forget to include some kind of logic. But throw logic away for a second and let me share my heart. Because I no longer feel any guilt for the amount of crying that I do :)

So why do I cry?  Simply put, it's how I release my emotion. I don't know why, but that's what it is. Therefore, I cry when I'm happy. Sad. Stressed. Overly Tired. Mad. Joyful. You name the emotion, and I bet there's been a time when I've cried when I felt that way. I also find myself crying for others. Or when I see something pretty or beautiful. Geez, I bet anyone reading this thinks that I'm just a basket case. ha! And maybe I am. But please don't discount the amount that I cry for lack of emotion. I don't know if that makes sense or not. But when I cry it is because I truly, honestly FEEL something. Even if it is a lot. I think with my heart first and then maybe my brain.This is going to sound super corny, but it's like my heart pouring out of my eyes. It's true emotion. Especially when it comes to others. Sometimes I don't have the perfect words to say, but I can cry for you. Man that does sound crazy. Maybe it's a curse, but could it be that it's actually a gift? When I say "I can cry for you", it's because I love you. I love you so much that I can feel a piece of your heart. That's why sometimes I even cry when I see something while I'm out and about that reminds me of someone I love. I cry because I know that person would love what I'm seeing.

Gosh, I didn't realize how hard this would be to explain. I don't even know if what I'm saying makes any sense. lol well probably because I'm not a logical person. I'm really just writing this for myself though. I'm definitely not a writer, but it does feel good to write sometimes and be able to see my thoughts written out. ha! so welcome to my diary! :)

Now, I promise that I'm not constantly crying. There are many days that pass by that I don't even shed a tear. I'm just an emotional human being. I must be honest, for a while, I did think it was a curse. But no, it's not. It's me. It's how I feel. It's how I love. It's how I cope. It's how I share. It's how I identify. It's who I am. And I'm not ashamed.

She Creates More than Art.

She never fails to amaze. Never. Every time I walk into her presence I am blessed. Every time she smiles, my heart literally melts.  I could listen to her laugh for a thousand years. When I'm around her, I watch her every move, hang on to every word that she speaks, because everything she says and does is too important to ever miss. She is my sister, my angel.

She is my inspiration. And she is constantly teaching me. She taught me something just yesterday in fact. I was over at my mom's house helping my niece get all glamoured up for prom. So much fun by the way! So, anyway, after pictures had finally died down, Andrea was gonna do some more of her researching on the internet. Something she loves to do! She looks up all sorts of things! Her favorite actors/actresses, favorite movies, picture ideas of the her next drawing that she'll perfectly complete, etc. (By the way, according to her the best search engine is bing.com not google.com. Apparently she is too cool for google! lol I love her!) Well, she goes to access bing and the internet was down for some reason. So I was trying to help her figure out what the issue was. (Ended up that during all the picture taking, someone had accidentally unplugged the wireless.) Anyhow, as I was reaching over to her computer to get the internet connected again, I knocked her sprite over and it spilled everywhere! You should know that right next to her chair she keeps all of her coloring pages and drawings that she is currently working on. This girl is the BOMB at drawing and coloring. Seriously, she is really good. She has by far the most creative mind I have ever witnessed. And she spends a lot of time on each project. Well, the sprite spilled all over one of her coloring projects. I felt so awful. Literally, I could have cried right at that moment, because I know how hard she works on them. So I instantly begin apologizing profusely from the bottom of my heart while trying to help my mom dry things off. Her coloring page was soaked. And I thought most likely ruined.

But you know what Andrea did? She looked at me and said "Marie, it's okay. It's okay." Not a mad bone in her body. She wasn't aggravated one bit. I can't get her reaction out of my mind. How many times do I get mad at the stupidest things each day of my life? The person in front of me is driving too slow. I had to put my husband's dirty socks once again in the hamper (lol). I had a long day at work. Whatever it may be! I can get frustrated a lot. But why?! Why do I waste my time and energy?

Once again, my baby sister has stopped me in my tracks. Once again, she has taught me another life lesson. Once again, she made me want to become a better person. To me, she is perfect in every way. She had every right to be somewhat upset with me or at least upset at the situation. I was a little careless when I bent over and wasn't paying attention. Instead, she chooses patience. Instead, she chooses compassion. Instead, she chooses love. Instead, she chooses to comfort. She's perfect.

Now I pray that her words instantly come into my mind the moment I begin to feel aggravated with something silly....."Marie, it's okay. It's okay."



She creates more than art; she creates blessings. She creates better people. She, without a doubt, makes this world a better place.

 

 The coloring page I thought I had ruined! My mom took an iron over it and it was good as new! She sent me this picture of Andrea getting back to work on it! :) That made me happy!

She drew this by hand without tracing or anything. And then colored it in with colored pencils. I wish I also had pictures of her recent drawings of a peacock and an elephant! They are amazing!

One of her coloring pages that she colored with markers! It's perfectly colored!

Another one of her coloring pages! She takes images and will create designs on them! And they are flawless. Seriously she has such a creative mind. Some of the designs I've seen her do are insanely good!

And one of her many puzzles she worked super hard on finishing completely by herself. 

Take a look at her art!!! I only had a few saved on my phone. She has seriously created some masterpieces! She does anything from coloring pages, to pottery, to drawing, to making puzzles. You name it and she can make it.

See!!! Told you she was AWESOME!!! 

A Random Post.

Sometimes dreams are scary. You know those dreams that you wake up from and your heart is literally pounding out of your chest. Gosh I hate those dreams. I've even woken up in tears before. About once a month I have one of those dreams and it's always a dream about me in a situation where I need to save my sister. Ugh! I hate those dreams.

Well, so two days ago I woke up from a dream. It wasn't one of those heart-pounding dreams. But it certainly scared me. The dream in a nutshell - I was pregnant and had twin boys. Okay. Now to anyone that knows me, this dream is compacted with countless reasons why this should scare me. Two biggest reasons: Number one - I currently do not want a child and Number 2 - I currently don't want 1 child so the thought of having 2?! What?! And yeah sure, while those were thoughts that certainly ran through my head, those weren't my biggest fears. And that scared me.

The thing that scared me the most - I actually enjoyed the dream. Why?! (Side note: To all those that are excited about me "being with child" please don't freak out with excitement, because this isn't me proclaiming that David and I are going to start "trying".) For a long time I have even contemplated whether I should even be a mother at all, to the point where I was even starting to say that I never wanted kids and I was comfortable with that. I doubted (and still do doubt) my ability to be a good mother. To be a mom, better yet a mommy. How could I? I know all my downfalls and never would I want to place that burden on any child of mine. A child deserves the best mommy and I have been unsure that I can give that. The thought of ever hurting my child literally tears my heart in a billion pieces. It's a life for heaven's sake, and I don't want to screw it up!

But in that dream, it was surreal. I can by no means understand that instant love that mothers always talk about when they see their child for the first time; but in my dream, I somehow felt a tiny itty bitty glimpse of it. I was scared to death in my dream, but I wanted the best for them. I didn't want anyone to ever hurt them. They were mine. (well and David's of course lol, but this is mommy focused)

I have no idea why in the world I had this kind of reaction to this dream. But I just can't get it out of my head. I still have those same doubts about myself. But this dream gave me a little bit of encouragement. I also have David to thank for boosts of encouragement. He builds me up daily. And him giving me the chance to love him, even though I fail and mess up, shows me that I'm worthy enough to give love as well as receive his unconditional love. Even though I feel so undeserving. His love teaches me.

So no, I'm no longer saying that I absolutely do not want to have children. I am still scared as ever to someday call myself a mother. But even despite my fears, I long for that chance to be able to stare down into my child's eyes and give him/her my heart. And gosh, I hope and literally pray that I can do it. That I fill their life with joy, that they will know I love them no matter what, that they will know they are beautiful, that they will know I will protect them...  Geez, all this is scary.

For now and a few more years to come, I'll just hold on to that dream. And little glimpses I get here and there of motherhood. All in hopes that it will continue to build me into the mommy that our future child deserves.

   

I'm New at This

Don't ask me why I'm doing this or what gave me the idea, because I don't exactly know.  I don't even particularly want people to follow and read this. Maybe because I don't think my life is all that interesting nor do I have anything noteworthy to say. Perhaps I'm doing this just because this will be a way for me to put my thoughts out there so that they are no longer on my mind, but on the mind of the...the internet I guess?? Maybe a goal I subconsciously intentioned with this blog is to help me worry less and enjoy this life more that God has given me. Hopefully, I'll grow during this blogging process and be able to note of the progress. We'll see what happens. I hope to try and blog at least something regularly. My very un-developed plan is to blog about major events going on in my life to help me process them and yet also to blog on very random events going on in my life - events that make me smile or that I'm thankful for. Like I said before, we'll see what happens.